So I Left

Everything happens too quickly in me.
It's because I'm scared of losing that feeling.
I did it to everyone I ever convinced myself that I loved
and I did it to you.

Finally coming out of a post-concussive fog and
realizing that I am not that broken.
I started dating this girl who was beautiful and funny
and she asked me for my middle name.
She traced my lips with her fingers and
cocked her head when she looked at me.
I know what these things mean because
I've cocked my head and traced the lips.

She was performative in everything,
and I can't say that I minded because
I so recognized it.
She handed me a crumpled napkin that said "please hurt me."
At times in my life I've had a stack of cocktail napkins in my jacket pocket
and boxes full of .38 caliber pilots too.
"Please hurt me," I'd write.

She told me too where to put the knife in
and then she cried.
I've cried those tears before too.

She did to me what I did to several of my lovers.
So I left.

I didn't like to be on the other side of it
and then I started to feel guilty;
Guilty for always making my partners into the villain.
Guilty for always trying to manipulate you into staying
when I really just wanted you to leave. 

She did to me what I always did and it got me wondering
why they stayed.

Matt got the worst of it. He was easy to mold
Maybe because he looked the most like a villain
or maybe because he really loved me
and that one hurts the most.

I hope everyday that he's happy and
everyday it hurts like hell to think that he might be.
I hope he's with someone who won't
constantly set him up for failure
and then blame him for it.

I guess I don't take it all.
Some of it's mine,
some of it's yours,
some of it's from something I will never
can never
explain,

but for what it's worth,
I see now
how crummy it feels
and I'm sorry.