Aphasia etc...

How long can I go without feeling like myself
before feeling like this is what it feels like
to feel like myself?

I'm not trying to be deep here.
I'm really so scared.
Nowadays I write just to verbalize feelings
because I lost the ability to identify them in any meaningful way.

I know the big ones,
the L-one, and my dear old friend–anxiety,
but all the other things come without words
and I spoke recently in therapy about
n e e d i n g
words.
And then they all disappeared, it seems. 

I finally found the time to pull the pages out of my book
and stick them here on the internet
because I felt like I needed to connect to something.

I really like this guy and I think part of the reason
is because he reminds me so much of myself
Not the sick parts of me... Not the broken parts,
he reminds me of the fun parts, and the healthy parts,
and I need to remember what it feels like
to be inside my brain without all this... what's the word?

I like being with him because
when he says he feels something
I can recognize it,
and recognition
is like a feeling,
I think.

I don't have words anymore.
I know that I've been on the verge of tears for literally weeks.
I'm not sad, though.
I'm not empty, I'm not hurt or betrayed,
I'm not full of guilt or shame,
I'm not angry,
I'm just...
what's the word?

It's frustrating, that's a feeling, right?
I've been obsessed with words for as long as I can remember,
I've been obsessed with agreements.
If I can make you tell me what you're feeling,
then I have something to hold onto, something we agree about,
something to which you can be held accountable...

But so much of life and relationships falls outside the
lexical spectrum, so says my therapist, anyway.
You can't expect people to put words to
~everything~ they feel and think, Liz.
but I always have and
I've always forced others to,
and OH, that explains a lot...

It's an evidence-based practice that I really "believe" in.
I want evidence, putting it in text is even better,
tell me the word for what you're feeling
and I'll create expectations around it
and it makes me feel secure, like we're on the same page
because words have meaning. 

I put in all this work learning how to identify my feelings,
and I felt healthier for it.
I stopped saying I'm feeling bad, and started saying I'm hurt.
I stopped saying I'm feeling bad, and started saying
I just want some ice cream and to be told that I'm cute.
I felt like a real adult, with only a regular amount of trauma,
someone who could articulate authentic feelings and
not just latch onto yours.

But now, I'm searching...
and coming up with nothing.

My best friend says it's probably part of the recovery process
from... your head injury.
Great, I have finals this week.
Words are not important for finals, at least.
I only need to write ten pages about
the commerce clause and tenth amendment jurisprudence
probably won't need any words for that, right?

But I can't find any concern for that.
It's 11:35 PM and I have a final tomorrow
and I feel...
No stress, no anxiety,
My hands are not raw and bloodied,
My heart is not racing,
I genuinely feel nothing...

No, that's not right.
I feel a lot.
But I don't know what it is.
I feel... what's the word?
Stuff.
I feel stuff.
A lot of uncomfortable stuff.
But I can't tell you what it is.
Because I don't know.

I don't know if this is what depression feels like
and I would think by now I would know
what depression feels like.
I think it feels like this.
But I just don't know.

I'm blank and I don't know who I am without words.
I'm sitting here, and words are coming out of my fingers,
but I don't know what they mean because there's nothing attached to them.

Who knew words and feelings were so intertwined?
Me, I knew that.
I knew it once
and now it feels so... what's the word?

foreign, maybe?

I've felt broken before, and humiliated,
I've known apathy and pried the skeletal fingers
of hate off of my throat. I put my foot through a wall
when Chris died. I've used knives and drugs
to try to make myself feel nothing,

and I think I've felt this way before
but before
I could find
something
to say about it
and then it would make
sense
and feel
manageable.

Now I don't know what I'm feeling
but for the first time
in a really long time
I want
to
feel
nothing.