Allow me

I'm not angry, just tired.
Here's a poem.
--------------


I wanted your encouragement
but you never could muster
even a meager bit.

I didn't blame you
But I wanted to feel supported,
I wanted to feel
engaged with
and so
I left.

Now I am seeing someone new,
He has too much consideration,
and encouragement to give

but since I spent so much time with you
It feels so alien and fake,
I just want him to stop.

I just want to tell him to stop patronizing me
I just want to yell about it.
But it'd be making him
pay
for your sins


~

My therapist asks me if I am
really 
ready to start dating again,
if I don't know what I want.

I scowl.

I do know what I want.
It's just that I don't know how to
accept it,
to let it come inside.

because I spent
all my years telling myself
I don't need a hint of affection,
I am fully independent,
works best alone,
gets by,
deals with shit,
all by
my
Self.

I fortified myself from the outside in,
I don't need you, I don't need anyone.


but I want him
and I should let him
want me
too.