The Voice of Reason is Speaking in a Whisper

Rage, I'm filled with rage. My alarm goes off at 5:30AM, the time I used to get up when I was kidding myself into thinking that I deserved a normal life. I am lying in my bed just trying to convince myself that I am okay and I will be okay and I just need to put my feet on the ground and I'll feel better. Too bad I'm a horrible liar and have never been able to convince myself. I just want to stay in bed and not go out in the world. The world feels so hostile and cold and unsafe these days.

I've been having great difficulty sleeping. I keep waking up to the sound of screaming in my room. It's me, I'm screaming. The nightmares are back. Is this my way of processing what happened to me a month ago? I've been driving 35 miles each way to sleep next to the only person who can make me feel safe. I don't know who to talk to about all of this. I just want to tell him I need him, but I can't. I don't want to feel weak and vulnerable. I don't want him to be angry and hurt again. I don't want him to know that I'm still wrestling with this everyday all the time. That I'm still hurting and angry. I just want to deal with it on my own and most of all I just want it all to be over.

I feel nausea, and shame, and fear. I feel reluctance, and anger, and emptiness. I keep getting flashbacks and nightmares and I want it all to stop but I can't make it go away. It's frustrating to be in this place again. I've been here so many times for so many worse reasons I almost feel like I'm not entitled to it this time. I'm trying to cope and keep my head up for work and school and everything else I have my hands in right now. It's so hard. The winter is holding me down. I optimistically set my alarm every morning even though most of the time I can't wake up for it because I have barely just fallen asleep.

I think about it all the time. I think about how so many men that I've trusted have hurt me and betrayed me, and violated me and my trust in some way. I keep wondering why I ever trust men. Why am I so naive? I try to shake myself out of it, tell myself that victim-blaming isn't fair. I shouldn't have to expect that you're going to rape me. I shouldn't have to go through life with the distinct suspicion that everyone is a rapist. Because of him, because of them, I do.

I like to be alone, I like my space and my independence. I like not to rely on anyone but myself... Lately though, I've been putting a lot on my friends and lover because I can't handle being alone right now. It strains all of my relationships. I am needy and scared and overly sensitive. I just want to feel fucking okay again.

I've been going through the motions, and I've been keeping myself above water but not because I want to. I think it's just some ancient survival instinct that I'm not controlling because were it up to me I'd be sleeping right now. My body, or my brain, or my God, knows that I need to be awake right now to use this outlet. I've been sick since the first of the year. My lips are crunchy and dehydrated and I tried to cry in my bed earlier and no tears would come out. I am desperately trying to ignore the pain I feel in my stomach right now and the urge as I write this to just go vomit. I'm so tired of hearing myself say that I'm tired.  I want to just wake up from this stupor and begin life again with the same amount of excitement I had when I just started to fall in love again. I'm becoming convinced that this sickness won't go away until I get adequate sleep and I don't know when I'll get that again.

I hate how small I feel when I see him. I hate how there are other people around me everywhere who are going through what I'm going through, and we're all just trying to get back on our feet and keep walking, running when we have to. I hate how many people are on this same boat that I'm on and how many more will get on within the hour.

I hate him so much that it makes me sick to even refer to him. I hate that I hate him because he doesn't even deserve the energy it takes for me to hate him. But I have to hate him anyway, I don't yet have a choice. I hate what he did to me, I hate how I feel. I hate what he did to my boy, and my friends, and even the people who don't know what happened. I hate what he did to my relationships, and my plans for the future and there are so many aspects of my life that were touched by his grubby little hands and I just want to feel clean again.

I am less than who I am supposed to be and I don't like it. I don't like living in my skin and being 'me' today. I feel like an imposter. I am not who I was before. Every smile and laugh feels like a lie and I'm holding my breath until it's over. I've been aching to feel whole and complete and I want to just have what I had before. The serenity and clarity that I worked so fucking hard to find after last time.

I wish I wasn't so mad. I wish I could sleep because I deserve it. I deserve a fucking couple of hours of undisturbed rest. I want to just find some freedom, but I don't know where to look.