My Only True Friend

All of the things that felt permanent:

The beatings, 

The best friends, 

The 8th grade crushes,

The embarrassments, especially.

The taste for atrocious music, 

The giant dreams for the future,

The pain, the hurt, the ecstasy. 

I guess at the time;

and until I met permanency 

Cara a cara,

I did not really know what it meant.

Sure, I could logically understand,

but I had never been able to internalize 

on any level who 'permanent' really was.

Each new feeling I experienced 

Came wrapped in ether. 

Each one felt like it would be the last I'd ever know.

The humiliation of middle school, 

I thought for sure I'd always feel it.

I was thoroughly convinced that 

each of my many, toxic, failed relationships

would last forever (whatever that means). 

This purple dye in my hair would never wash out,

Thank God. 

I remember the first time we were introduced.

It wasn't the day he died, it wasn't even a week later.

The moment permanency became my permanent friend 

was when everything was quiet. 

He slipped into my closed door and took from me. 

I had marbles in a jar and on his way out...

he emptied the jar into his brief case.

It was the moment I realized he wasn't coming back.

A random, faint, twinge of pain came 

after months of denial protecting me. 

I let myself have a few too many drinks,

and I sat alone pulling my skin off,

wondering: where do people buy marbles?