I've Always Wondered.

I've always wondered what separates us. The suicidal and the suicides. 
I've always wondered what gave at the last second.
What do I still have that you've lost.
I've always wondered but never really wanted to know.
I don't trust myself with that kind of information.

I've always wanted to follow the rules,
To do what I am supposed to do. 
I've always wanted to just be me and never change.
Never have to explain myself, or fix myself
I've always wanted to baffle thousands, 
And still never change,
Like math. 

I've always thought about myself in a very certain way.
I've always lied to myself, 
and convinced myself,
and believed myself. 
I've always thought about you in just the same way.
and I've always hated both of us.