Pity as an Insult and Fear as a Tree.

You've seen me at my worst, when I was an animal, angry and addicted. You've seen me with nothing covering my sickness, you've cried for me, and worried for me, and tried desperately to replace the hours of sleep I stole from you. You have been here when I was selfish and when I stole from you, you stayed when I was nothing, going nowhere. I rebuilt myself. You're here still, and I'm okay. Not better than ever but better than before, and I'm okay. You never treated me like a burden, you never grew impatient with me, you were slow to anger, and I didn't feel pitied. I didn't feel that the time we spent together was your obligation, I knew you really cared.

How did you do that?

Now you're falling out of reality into a twisted seed of anger and nonsense. You're singing in your delusions. You're full of sound and fury. You're a masterpiece for sure, but a dark one, that you're not sure why, but it gives you shivers. You're not there anymore. You've been replaced by this wretched imposter and I hate her. She's hurting you. You never did anything to deserve this. It isn't fair, but life isn't.

It isn't about the happiness, it isn't about the confidence. At first, I thought you were finally seeing what I've seen, but I was wrong. You're not seeing anything, because you're gone. You're a vessel for the insufferable. You're a shell for the type of person you most could not tolerate, you are who you hate now, but you think it's wonderful.

I don't get it.
I guess I don't have to.

I know you're sick. I don't hold your sins against you. I'm sorry for the pity. I can't help but feel sorry. I know I should be there. I know now is the time I should give back to you the love you gave to me. I've been saving it for you. I knew the time would come, but I hoped it wouldn't. I'm having some misgivings about giving it to you now. I think she'll swallow it all and keep it from you. She isn't you. How do I love someone who is missing? How do I support you when you're gone. How can I be there for you when you're nowhere.

Arm's length, take care of yourself, you're powerless, pray.

You are my best friend. The very best. I can't just abandon you because it's hard. I can't just run away because I'm struggling and impatient. You need me. I think.

I'm afraid you're not coming back, I'm afraid that you're never going to be okay. I'm afraid you're my sister now. In more ways than one. I'm afraid I won't be able to be there for you, I'm not kind enough, or patient or gentle. You don't deserve pity, and I don't want to give it to you. I want to love you the way that you did me, but I'm not sure I have that capacity. I don't want to love you because I feel guilty. I don't want to be here only because you were. I don't want to give you this awful, obligatory, pitiful love, but this is all I have.

Is this what you were giving me the whole time?

I just want to be where I'm supposed to be. I just want to do right by the person who did right by me. I want to be here for the last person I had left at the end. I don't know how.

I wish you'd come back soon because I know you could help me with this.

I love you. I miss you. Please.