I'm Writing from Inside the Fetal Position

I always thought of "the fetal position" as my home. I spend a lot of time there and when I think about it, and analyze it, I realize a few things...

1. The fetal position is a term to describe the way a fetus most commonly positions itself inside the womb. It's the place where everything started. Right before we were brought into being, we were in the fetal position. So even though I'm usually in the fetal position because of some crippling emotional pain, at least maybe I'm about to be born.

2. There has to be some reason that everyone can identify with the feeling of wanting to curl into a ball when emotions gnaw. I like to think, that it's a fundamentally human response to an influx of feelings. Maybe I just think that because of the company I keep, but I digress. Anyone who has carried deep emotional sorrows or who has lived in the grips of a bleak depression can understand how curling up and rocking back and forth just feels so fitting and comfortable and familiar and appropriate.

I love pain. I may not love it in the sense of affectionate genuine love but in a self-centered, codependent way... I would do anything for pain, pain and I deserve each other, I need pain to feel alive, et cetera. So, to serve that "love", I create a lot of pain in my life. Most of it is born out of self-hatred, well... probably all of it and I think to some extent, for instant gratification or for lack of forethought, everyone creates needless pain sometimes. The way that I value myself though, has been a product of the value that was assigned to me by family, friends, educators, and myself since the first time I left the fetal position. Sometimes I can convince myself that I have no worth. When I feel this way, one or both of two things happen: I try to make myself feel better with things outside of myself, or just totally shirk all my responsibilities and curl myself into the aforementioned position. These reactions, or... more aptly, choices, almost always cause pain and are sure-fire ways to bring me right down to it. If I really love someone, that means that I don't want to cause them pain or to hurt them. I guess the crux of it is that I just want to learn to love myself that way.

For as much as the fetal position has served me, and I do appreciate it, my goal and hope for the future is to not be so frequent to it. At the very least, not from pain caused by my own hands. Hurting others makes me feel badly about who I am, and in turn, makes me want to hurt myself. It's a lose lose. I don't want to cause harm to myself or others.

3. I like to make myself feel small, seem small, be small. I curl myself up in hopes that if I fold in on myself, and make myself small enough, I'll just disappear. Sometimes, that's the thing I most want. Sometimes though, it's just another of my one million ways to apologize. The value that I put on myself begs for oversight, the sense of self-worth that I've always had constantly tells me that I should be sorry for what I've done, good, bad or indifferent. So, I will make myself as small as possible and try to be less of a burden today, than I was yesterday.

I don't want to be small though. My personality and my heart are big. I err like humans do, but I don't want to be sorry for the good things that I do, the sincere things. I want to be proud of my choices. I want to not do things for which I genuinely need to apologize.  Of course, I will falter, and expecting perfection here is futile. I understand that on a deeper level today than I ever have before. I just want to be a better version of myself tomorrow, one that I'm not sorry for being.

4. Finally, I think I just go to the fetal position because it's where everything started and maybe, in some ways, I would just like to start over.

I wish I had a point here, but I don't. Just some thoughts that I wanted to share, or get out of my head, or something.